So, you’ve decided to brave the roads of Cincinnati, affectionately known as “Cin-cee” by those who’ve survived its traffic long enough to tell the tale. Buckle up, dear motorist, for a journey through the whimsical and wild world of Cincinnati driving, where the rules of the road are more like guidelines, and the guidelines are more like suggestions from a drunk uncle.
Rush Hour: A Day-Long Affair
First things first, let’s talk about rush hour. In most cities, rush hour is a predictable inconvenience, but in Cincinnati, it’s more of a lifestyle. Morning rush hour stretches from the crack of dawn at 5:00 am until high noon, while the evening rush hour picks back up at 12:01 pm and doesn’t let up until 7:00 pm. And in a quirky local tradition, Friday’s rush hour graciously starts on Thursday morning, giving you plenty of time to ponder your life choices.
Speed Limits: Suggestions at Best
On highways 275, 75, 471, and 71, the minimum speed is 80 mph. Anything less, and you’re basically a rolling roadblock. In an unwritten city mandate, your speed should match the highway number – it’s a matter of pride. Drive too slow, and you risk being labeled a ‘Wussy’, a term of endearment for those who value their lives over local customs.
Traffic Laws: Cincinnati Edition
Forget everything you learned in driver’s ed. Cincinnati’s traffic rules are a unique blend of Mad Max and Mario Kart. For instance, at stoplights, maintaining eye contact with the light itself is crucial, lest you lock eyes with a local crackhead and find yourself in a duel at dawn. And remember, actually stopping at a yellow light or stop sign is an invitation for chaos, complete with rear-endings, verbal abuse, and the occasional drive-by.
The Art of the Honk
In Cincinnati, the car horn is not a tool but a trigger. Honking is considered a personal affront, punishable by social ostracism or, in extreme cases, being shot. It’s best to keep your road rage internalized, like a true Midwesterner.
Construction: The City’s Favorite Hobby
Road construction is less of an event and more of a state of being. Cones and detour signs are rearranged nightly for your driving displeasure, ensuring that no two commutes are ever the same. It’s like Christmas morning, if all your presents were just more wrapping paper.
Obstacle Course: Cincinnati Edition
Keep an eye out for the local fauna and debris that decorate our roads. Drunks, deer, and discarded diapers are just a few of the hazards. And let’s not forget the multiple Vine Streets – because why make navigation easy when you can turn it into a guessing game?
The Left Lane: No Place for the Timid
If you find yourself in the left lane doing a mere 75 mph, prepare for a symphony of honks and a ballet of middle fingers. And if you dare to retaliate, well, we’ve already discussed how that ends.
Emergency Vehicles: Just Part of the Parade
When you see lights and sirens, the Cincinnati way is to stop dead in your tracks, preferably directly in front of the emergency vehicle. It’s our little way of saying, “We care, but not about efficiency.”
Lost? Just Look for Water
If all else fails and you find yourself hopelessly lost, just remember: the river is south. Or north. Or maybe west. Honestly, just ask for directions – unless you’ve honked at someone, in which case, you’re on your own.
Welcome to Cincinnati driving, where the rules are made up, and the points don’t matter. Drive safe, or at least as safely as one can under the circumstances.
